Never Kiss A Dead Man
by Rot-Chan
Summary: OK, so Ino was the 'chosen one'. And yes, she was the only one who was destined to save Konoha from the pit of hell it's resting on. But being kissed by a hot dead Jashinist is so not in the job description. HidaIno; humor, romance. Based on Buffy.
1. Immortals, scythes, and cheer practice

**Title**: Never Kiss A Dead Man

**Author**: Shelby

**Rating**: T (15+)

**Summary**: When Ino hunts for the Immortal group terrorizing Konoha on Halloween night, she doesn't expect the evil man she finds to be . . . sexy. Influenced by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Light Hidan/Ino.

**AN**: Inspired by my old favorite show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with references to the series. Mr. Pointy = Mr. Stabby :) I hope you all enjoy. I made Ino as in-character as possible; I wanted Naruto and Sakura to be part of the scooby gang, and Kakashi as Watcher just because. (I did mention Asuma though as well, since he technically is Ino's teacher.) Dedicated to all Buffy fans.

Reviews = TLC, since I have a lot of math tests coming up. :(

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The rusted gates to Konoha Cemetery were closed shut. Autumn leaves carried by the wind crackled dryly against the pavement. It was Halloween, a night for children to dress up around the neighborhood and to wear a slutty costume - a perfect night for the local immortals to wreck havoc on innocent souls.

Ino walked towards the graveyard, crunching on leaves and wrapping her sweater closer to her body. She had chosen to wear her oldest shirt this time. (Last time, that new silk blouse? History, thanks to demon blood.)

This was the place. Yes, definitely. The town's historic cemetery gates were rusted but beautiful, immaculate twining metal meeting to make a cross. 'Konohagakure Cemetery' was inscribed in the arch beneath.

"Make sure you look out for anyone suspicious . . . mainly the Immortals," Kakashi had suggested off of Sakura's research. "His group - ah, what are they again? Oh, yes - the Jashinists pick a burial plot to perform the awakening rituals on All Hallow's Eve. Midnight, to be precise. They're planning to . . . resurrect a God of some sort, from one of the tombs that supposedly lies in those grounds."

Gods? Immortals? Ino shivered. She didn't like the sound of that. At least the wooden stake in the back of her jeans was comforting. Mr. Stabby was always a comfort. She couldn't help but wonder if the Immortal and his followers would even be here tonight.

_I have to clear my head,_ Ino thought, psyching herself up for some kicking, punching, and getting some more huge bruises on her thighs that would definitely show during cheer practice.

---

_Thump_. Ino brushed the dirt of her thighs. Crash landing. She hadn't quite gotten that whole 'scale the fence' thing quite right yet.

Slowly she stood, wincing, already feeling seriously creeped by even being in a graveyard. She knew that Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto were hidden somewhere. Where, exactly, she didn't quite know. Thanks a lot, Kakashi. 'We'll be on the move' really explained a lot.

"Don't worry. We'll have your back," her Watcher assured her. Somehow Ino didn't feel that assured. She had only been . . . slaying - even the word felt funny on her tongue - for only a few months now, and her entire world had been literally turned inside out and upside down. Monsters, demons, lycanthropy - and finals. What more _couldn't_ a girl want?

OK, so she was the 'chosen one'. And yes, she was the only one who was destined to save Konoha from the fiery (sort-of) figurative pit of hell it was resting on. But sneaking up to her window at 3 AM and having to take a test on chemistry the next morning so did not define 'normal'.

Ino sighed, slowly pulling Mr. Stabby out of her pocket. It was a gift from a previous watcher, a friend of Kakashi's named Asuma. He was a nice man, and had helped them during their first mission - Ino had to battle out a wiccan group, possessed from some spells gone wrong. Now, Mr. Stabby was her favorite weapon. It was carved from Snakewood, and it was the best present she had received.

Clutching the stake in her hand and double checking that she still had her cross, Ino trekked forward, stealthily scaling the graveyard, not quite sure what was going to happen, and as always, if she would come out unscathed or alive.

---

Slants of moonlight peeked through the red and brown leaves of the trees. It was almost midnight, Kakashi concluded as he glanced at his watch. Almost time for the ritual preparations to begin.

Kakashi sighed and looked at the cemetery gates from behind the ancient Jetta. He wasn't sure when they would be able to get into the graveyard, or how -

""Kakashi-sensei! What are you doing?" Naruto whispered loudly enough for the silver haired Watcher to jump.

"Naruto! Be quiet!" Sakura said angrily, flipping through the spell book and the 'Guide to Immortals and Creatures from Beyond' book taken from the magick section in Kakashi's special library at school.

Besides being a Watcher, Kakashi taught Geometry. Like that makes any sense - we know. But Kakashi was devoted to his job as a teacher, mostly. He loved torturing demons as well as children.

Naruto pouted and said, "Why couldn't I have gone with her? Isn't it my duty to be the back-up man?" The blond had first joined the gang when he found that a stake to the heart is the only way to kill your best friend-turned-bloodsucker. He had been sort of forced to go along with the whole slaying thing, after the 'monsters do exist!' secret became more than clear.

Sakura ignored him and whispered quietly to Kakashi, "Sensei, do you really know what Ino is getting into? I mean . . . these guys, these - these Jashinists, they're extremely violent, and often subject their victims to countless acts of torture before . . . before killing them."

Wringing his hands together, Kakasi said calmly, "I know. That's why we're going. I've changed my mind. We're going as close as we can."

Both teens turned to look at the math teacher.

"B-but Kakashi, I don't, I mean – I have to go into a _graveyard_?" Naruto said anxiously, but Sakura covered his mouth.

"I'll go, Sensei. Ino's my friend, before a Slayer. Ri-ght, Naruto?" Sakura said slowly, giving him a look. The blond sighed and nodded helplessly. Batshit crazy immortals, a mean on-and-off girlfriend, and getting to watch the high school squad captain cut off some heads. Nothing could make the night better.

---

Suddenly, there was a noise.

Ino froze, quickly ducking down behind a large grave, her heart pounding. Another noise – footsteps, then, "Where the fuck is everybody?"

She gnashed her back teeth, her grip on the stake so secure her knuckles turned white. OK. So maybe the Immortal wasn't a vampire, but she would still kick his ass with Mr. Stabby, leech or not.

More footsteps. They were getting closer. Leaves crackled underfoot. Ino closed her eyes and prepared to attack. 1, 2 . . .

_3!_ She sprung, jumping up, ready to kill -

Only to bump into a very broad, muscled chest.

"Woah, woah, woah, Princess. Watch where you're going," A firm voice said, and Ino held back a scream in her throat as she jumped back, as Kakashi had instructed in their training, gripping Mr. Stabby with shaking hands, unwilling to give up her resolve . . . even though the Immortal was a touch good looking. And sort of sexy.

The Immortal - what had she been expecting, really? An ugly goblin with horns growing out of his head? A witch and a warlock, standing over a bubbling caldron and casting spells? Well, that was sort of what she was getting used to fighting, but still.

He stood, almost six feet tall to her 5'3, staring lazily with brilliant violet eyes, pale skin, and shiny silver hair, slicked back into a vampire-like widow peak on his forehead. Well, Ino mused, trying to ignore the sexiness, at least he looked like the undead in one way.

"You had best be warned - I'm the Slayer, and I am so going to break up . . . this . . . party . . . ." Ino trailed off as the Immortal slowly started laughing, a wheezing, low sound as he tried to control himself. Soon, it grew to a full-blown cackle, and he held his sides in pain. Ino stood, extremely annoyed, flipping her bangs out of her eyes and glowering. She had so never had this happen before.

"You - you're, you're the SLAYER? You?! You, you look like one of those prissy chicks on WTV, or whatever the hell kids call it these days," Hidan laughed, sighing and wiping a tear from his eye. If he hadn't been so . . . civilized, Ino would have already lunged forward and shoved her stake through his chest. Or maybe his eyeball.

---

"Talk. I want answers." Ino had lunged forward, shoving the Immortal up against a very large tomb stone, the stake driven through his wrist pinning him there. In this position, her knife pressed dangerously close to the vital spot her Watcher had taught her how to find, the moonlight beaming down, the Immortal looked strangely angelic.

"Hey, little girl. I didn't mean to piss you off. I talk shit. Deal. But seriously - you should've seen the broad that 'slayed' before you. She had the moves to fucking //kill//." His cheeky grin made Ino frown and press the knife a little closer to his neck.

"I said talk. I'm the one in control here."

The Immortal sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you know my bio by now. I'm Hidan, the king of virgin sacrifice, murdering, you know, that whole 'big bad immortal!' stereotype. Oh, it hurts bad, babe." Another sly grin, and he pressed himself on the knife.

Ino watched in horror as the man bled buckets out of his neck, making her gasp. He started muttering slow incantations, probably putting a _curse_ on her, ripping his hand free of the stake and making the Slayer fumble to catch it.

When Ino looked up, the Immortal was no longer there. She turned her head, craning her neck to hear any sound -

Suddenly she felt a presence behind her and, at the last minute dodged out of the way, rolling on the ground and hearing the woosh of a very large blade nearly cut her in two.

The vampire-like man grinned cockily above her, poising a large three-bladed scythe over his head, preparing to kill.

_Hiding weapons_, Ino thought. _Crafty – but not crafty enough._ She pulled out the cross, reassured by the cool metal in her palm. The edge had been wielded to also work as a stake. Hidan scrambled back, free hand held up in a 'don't shoot' style, looking alarmed for the first time since their odd encounter.

"Alright, alright, play it cool, honey. I'm here to do business, not get my ass kicked by you," the Immortal said, sounding genuinely pissed. "Oh, and can you put that fucking thing away? It's not easy on the eyes -"

Before he could finish, Ino threw a punch, aiming for his chest. She had never like chatty cathy's, especially ones who were zombie gods.

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**A/N 2: **Part two coming up soon (a few days). The editing process is almost finished. How did you like it? Don't forget to review. Thanks for reading and supporting my stories. I appreciate it.

-Shelby


	2. Another one down, a million to go

**Title**: Never Kiss a Dead Man

**Author**: Shelby

**Rating**: T (15+)

**Summary, Part 2**: Ino and Hidan face off as the Slayer tries to rid Konoha of the remaining Jashinist for good. But the idea of being a normal teenage girl - and a kiss - almost gets in the way.

**A/N**: Final part. Hope you all enjoyed reading this. Remember to review! :))

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"_O-oow!_ Ouch, dammit, that fucking hurts, seriously, Slayer! Arrghh . . ." Hidan moaned in pain, gripping his arm as blood trickled down and dripped off of his finger tips.

Breathing heavily, Ino felt herself starting to tire out. She had punched, kicked, back flipped (thank you, squad practice!) and tried to get more than a dozen hits on this Hidan guy, but she had only been able to stab his forearm and his torso twice.

This 'Immortal' was seriously tough to beat. Plus, it so didn't help that he'd had a scythe to kill her with. But now, that weapon was lodged securely in the dirt, the wooden handle snapped off thanks to her expertise. Ino hated enemies who showed off huge weapons. Really, men were so insecure.

But where were the rest of the religious freaks? These other so-called 'worshippers of Jashin' who were supposed to be chanting weirdo incantations in a circle around a bonfire, or something?

"Don't you have friends at your back?" Ino asked, panting. Speaking of friends . . . it would good for them to show up right about now. Yeah, she could use the help.

Hidan grinned. "Didn't you hear me earlier? The rest of those fuckers flew out of here like bats outta hell. And believe it or not, it was because of //you//, honey. I can't believe I'm admitting it. Can't believe those bastards. Really can't . . . ."

He never quite finished his sentence, as Ino grew impatient and pitched her stake into his subscapular artery in his shoulder, causing a miniature fountain of blood to erupt from his arm. Served him right for kicking her in the stomach about five times.

The Immortal man growled in frustration, rolling his neck, tempted to taste a little of this Slayer's blood. She would be a fine catch. Really.

"Look, _Sla-yur,_ I'm totally not in the mood to deal with this shit tonight."

Ino frowned, straightening up from her fighting stance but keeping herself on guard, holding up the stake in a position to stab it straight through his heart. Maybe Immortals were more like vampires than she thought. She would take a chance on that notion.

"Look, vampi-yur," Ino mimicked his obnoxious tone, "I need some answers. What are you doing in Konoha? Huh?"

She moved a little closer to the immortal man; he must have been as exhausted as she was becoming, from their constant combat. He rolled his eyes and said, "I'm not a vampire. And why? I can't really say _why_ . . ." Hidan trailed off as Ino whipped out another hidden weapon from her belt, her favorite close-combat knife, the blade gleaming in the moonlight.

Hidan paused and said, "OK, OK, you're seriously wearing me down here. Why the fuck can't you people go down easy?" Even the way he called the Slayers 'you people' was annoying.

"Talk."

"Geez, fine, fine. OK then, let's cut this short, a minute or less. Name's Hidan, like I toldja. My "friends" all turned tail and ran away like the pansy ass fuckers they are and left me here to do the ritual alone -"

Ino took a threatening step closer, successfully backing Hidan into the biggest tomb in the plot, cornering him. "Why are you doing a ritual here? Who is this Jashin?"

Hidan stared, then exclaimed, "You mean you and your little tagalongs haven't hear of the Great Jashin? Fuck me!" His tone shocked her.

"Jashin is the only worthy God on this whole stinking planet! He saved me from death - twice - yah know, real death, and -"

"Ritual? Talk. Now."

Hidan narrowed his eyes, muttering about ungrateful heathens and bitchy slayers, then said, "And why do you need to know about my ritual?"

"More to write about in our collection on how to get rid of freaks like you. Killing the Undead 101," Ino shrugged.

Hidan stared and said, blankly, "You are like, the _lamest_ Slayer, ever."

Ino finally exploded from frustration. "What the fuck is this shit? I try to kill you, you dodge every single attack, call me a bitch, kick me in my stupid stomach, and now this?! God damn you! _**My**_ God, damn you! I hate you! I -"

Suddenly, Hidan was standing in front of her; azure met startling violet-red.

"You know, you're really a bad vampire Slayer," Hidan muttered, and slowly leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.

When did he - how did he - move, Ino thought, her mind a scrambled, jumbled mess as she tried to think of how to get away, why, what Kakashi said -

But for a few moments, a few seconds really, all that 'kill the vampires, save the world' stuff sort of went on the back burner. Instead, Ino felt Hidan's slightly chapped, cool - dead, remember? - lips on hers. She remembered she was the cheer captain as she kissed him back; a blonde 16 year old girl, totally normal, as he licked her bottom lip with an icy tongue; could go shopping at the mall, paint her nails, study for tests when he put his hand on her -

"Ack!" Ino screeched, shoving him backward with a particularly rough punch in the esophagus.

Coughing, Hidan glared, "What the fuck?! Seriously! Are you tryin' to kill - oh wait, you were. Silly me." His annoying laugh made her blood boil.

"Don't grope a girl on the first date," Ino snarled, and with one final spring, she lunged forward, snatching the cross from her belt, taking the pointed, sharpened end and stabbing it straight through his heart. Slayer Handbook unofficial rule: Never kiss a dead man.

---

A moan, and then, he crumbled to dust, lost in the October wind.

She stood silent for a moment, her fingers on her lips, the blood from attacking him and the bruises from evading his attacks making Ino uncomfortable in her own skin. She swore she could still feel the man's cool touch, his dead body too-close to her own. Somehow, it had been . . . nice to feel normal. Not-Slayer Ino, for one split second.

"Did that . . . did that just really happen?" Ino asked aloud to the sky.

"Yes."

The deep, gravelly voice behind her made Ino jump. But when she saw Kakashi, Naruto, and Sakura all standing behind her, she slumped her shoulders in relief.

"Oh, my God, Ino! Are you OK? We – we tried to get here as quickly as we could, but somebody – ahem, NARUTO – couldn't get over the fence. Kakashi, he got a feeling you were in more danger than we initially thought you would be, and – did you just stab that guy in the heart?" Sakura said slowly, suddenly aware that the man they'd just seen was now, indeed, a pile of ash.

Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. "Looks like another one down."

"And a million to go," Naruto sighed, wincing as he rubbed where a metal spike on the gate had dug into his thigh.

Ino sighed, shakily wiping the blood off of her cheek with her forearm. Another ruined outfit to explain to her mother.

Kakashi gave Ino his jacket to wear; surprised, but nonetheless grateful, the blond girl smiled shyly. Her Watcher was blunt, tough, and sometimes a little clueless, but . . . he was weirdly attuned to the whole 'teenage girl emotions' thing.

The four slowly walked out of the graveyard in a peaceful silence. The last of the strange coven of Immortal Jashinists that had been in Konoha tonight – one dead, the other, gone – would no longer be a problem. The world was safe, at least for the night.

"Hey. Hey Kakashi. Did you see how that weird dude was groping Ino's ass?"

"Shut up!"

"OW!"

Well, learning how to beat up bad guys has some other perks too.

**

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